Teaching Children Respect

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As parents we know one of our most important goals is teaching children respect, responsibility, and social skills. This can be quite a challenge because little children have developmental milestones such as learning to say NO! Wanting to make their own decisions about what to wear, eat, do. This drive in children is often met with frustration in parents when their child will not “mind”. This can also trigger fury in a parent because of their internal anger from their own childhood, when they were not allowed to develop their own autonomy. A desperate angry parent will try most anything to gain control of the situation and this often means falling back on what was done to us.

Punishments such as scolding, insulting, time outs, spanking, threats, yelling, and deprivation are almost universally used in our culture. We are almost self righteous in our zeal to control our children’s behavior through punishment. Is there another more effective way to teach respect, responsibility, integrity, and all the thousands of things we need to teach? Perhaps if we look at what’s behind a child misbehavior there will be an answer. Instead of punishing bad behavior could we learn to prevent the behavior in the first place? Children are not born trying to cause mayhem. They are born completely dependent and wanting to please their parents. Are we asking too much of our children to spend all day every day in day care or school? Then we rush through dinner, divide our attention with computers, phones or TV. Are we ignoring the developmental milestones that are necessary for healthy development and deciding that it is “oppositional disorder” when they refuse to cooperate with what we want? Do we ignore the stresses that our children may be experiencing such as hunger, fatigue, over stimulation, or a chaotic environment, and when they can’t deal with it they have “ADHD”? Do we focus on manners for children or just finding a way to make them compliant, rather than the whole child?

To become a more effective, happier parent, the place to start is with ourselves. It is time well spent to look closely at how you were raised, the good and the bad of it. If you were raised by authoritarian parents who never let you make a decision and develop your own voice, you may find it very difficult and infuriating when your three year old is demanding to have his own way, and insisting on being heard! All the rage that you internalized as a three year old that was not allowed to be expressed may come blazing out of you in wild anger at your own child! Self reflection and healing of your own childhood wounds will enable you to be the best parent possible and give your child the start in life they deserve. Look closely at what is causing your child’s behavior instead of just demanding they do as you say, because you may control and dominate a 5 year old, but it will be a very different story when that child is 15 and internalized anger emerges!

This blog is about how to teach children respect and that starts with boundaries and guidelines for our children, and it is the parents job to set them. However if you believe that you can just insist on “do as I say, not as I do” you will not be teaching respect, rather inviting defiance. Our children watch every little thing we do. They model our behavior, the good, bad and ugly. It is absurd to think you can hit a child for hitting someone and think this is an effective form of discipline! Or that it will stop the hitting! If you hit, they will hit. If you scream, they will scream. Most anything you do, they will do. Everything you do from your morals, your habits and your attitudes is recorded in the minds of our children. The best teacher is modeling the behavior you expect in your child. This couldn’t be simpler, or more difficult! It means we must do exactly what we expect and want our children to do.

Many parents and children are missing out on the help of extended family. Because of distance or other reasons there is an absence of aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins and neighbors that we actually know and trust. This puts so much pressure on parents and even more pressure on a single parent! It is in our best interest as parents, and our children’s best interest, to find ways families can come together and help each other. It does indeed “take a village.” This requires parents to join together as adults to help each other raise the children and not have the attitude of “my child would NEVER do that”. Adults must act like adults. It would also enrich our children and provide priceless guidance for them to be connected to the seniors in our towns and cities, especially when grandparents are not around. Senior centers, retirement communities, seniors living alone. Reach out if your are a single parent, or have no family close by. People who are outside your family can be a source of great knowledge and character building for your child. Families are created through love, and acceptance, not only biological ties.

Kids need to know lots of things to get by in life. Teaching kids about money is probably one of the most important things a parent can do. I sure wish my parents had spent a bit more time on this subject for me when I was little! I remember thinking how it was “magic” when my Mom went to the bank and just pulled money out…I had no clue about how it happened or why the bank just gave it to her! Yeah, if only! My son came to me the other day with a burning desire to learn to fly fish (I know!) He’s six! Now we’re not fishermen, much less fly fishermen, but when your child’s imagination is sparked, what parent doesn’t want to encourage that interest? Well you can get a fly fishing pole for around a hundred bucks, but still! A hundred bucks! My gut tells me that we need to use this as a learning lesson and at least make him feel the “pain” of saving money so he can appreciate the pay off. Of course it’s hard for a six year old to come by any money, but we have to find a way…pulling weeds for 15 minutes, picking up the yard, the living room, whatever. Even if he just pays ten bucks toward the pole, it’s all relative right?

Teaching children respect! It sounds so simple! Before I had kids, I was SO judgmental of people I saw with little kids who were just out of control! You know who I’m talking about…Parents sitting in restaurants completely oblivious to their screaming messy kids. Totally in the dark about the hateful looks being directed their way, or even worse the awful kid throwing a monster tantrum in a store or on the sidewalk with the helpless Mom or Dad embarrassed or confused and completely whipped! I, in my most critical way, thought “What’s with no one teaching kids respect these days?” or “Why is that Mother so weak?” or no doubt the most ridiculous ” Someone needs to give that woman a book on “Manners for Children”!
Yes, I admit it, I was self righteous  and very opinionated, but of course I got my reality check with the birth of my first child, and then the wind knocked right out of me with the arrival of my second! I deserved it I guess! I figure this probably happens a lot when those without kids start judging those who do…Well now I’m smack dab in the middle of it and it is a daily challenge. I read books, watch parenting shows, and I’m always on the lookout for new ideas. It helps to write.

Why oh why do parents allow their children to interrupt  phone calls or conversations? It is so frustrating to me to be talking to someone at the same time they are having a conversation with a demanding child. I know that no one wants children to “be seen and not heard”, but isn’t it just the right thing for a child to learn a few manners? I wouldn’t run up to people right in the middle of a conversation and blurt out what I wanted to talk about! Isn’t it our responsibility to teach our kids the same consideration? I believe parents must imagine that they are preserving the little ones self esteem, but I think the opposite is true. Allowing a little kid to always put their instant desires in  ahead of everyone else has to create a self centered selfish child, not one full of self esteem. Come on! I’m tired of little kids running the show. It’s just not right, and the kids know it! Teaching children manners is our job! Out of control kids are pushing us to do it.

Respect and tolerance go hand in hand. If a child doesn’t learn tolerance for others how can he know respect? Teaching children morals begins very early. It is modeled behavior. You can’t tell a little kid to honor and respect others if you are disparaging towards others. Once again, we just can’t get away from it, the little rascals watch our every move!

Well, teaching children diversity, tolerance and respect is important, and it’s important that we show them through our actions. Can you imagine how our world would change in all the children were brought up to love and respect each other? I’ll dream about that.